


enough

by guidedbypolaris



Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: Aromantic, Gen, LGBTQ Themes, but with happy ending!, valentines day is a perfect moment for some aro pride thank you very much, warning for lots of internalized arophobia tho, yeojin hyejoo and chaewon make a brief (but really important) appearance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-14
Updated: 2020-02-14
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:02:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22728088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/guidedbypolaris/pseuds/guidedbypolaris
Summary: Everyone was expected to feel that kind of love, but Haseul could never reach it. Was there something wrong with her?
Comments: 4
Kudos: 20





	enough

It all started with a Valentine’s card.  
She was used to receive those, and also sent lots too. Haseul was full of affection, everyone knew that.  
But, this time, on that card, there was something different. The girl handling it had shining eyes and a hopeful smile, waiting for a positive answer and probably already planning their date.  
-I love you, Haseul. – she went on speaking, failing to notice how her expression was lost – I’ve been feeling this for some time…  
-I… – the poor girl finally found her voice back, before any other word made the bitter taste in her mouth get worse – I’m sorry, but… I just see you as a friend.  
At that, all light from that face was taken over by a sad confusion. She tried to make it sound less bad, but there wasn’t a way to do so, was there? It wasn’t the first time it happened, but this didn’t help in letting her more prepared to handle with it. The words spoke to her were basically the same, Haseul almost thought she could see her high school classmate if she blinked, but it wasn’t him. It was her college partner now. Someone she devoted lots of caring and attention, and, again, they thought this meant “more” than friendship.  
They always asked more of her, but she could never give it.  
-I’m sorry… – she whispered for the thousandth time, or at least felt like it  
-No, it’s fine… – her friend said, in a tone letting clear how nothing was fine – Sorry for bothering you.  
And she gave her back to Haseul, walking away and leaving her feeling a different kind of solitude.

She knew there was something wrong with her since young, being honest.  
Even before high school, her classmates already buzzed about the boys and girls they appreciated, but she could never get it. “I’m too young”, she told herself. “I’ll get it someday”.  
But this day never came. She kept watching from the sideways while her friends and literally everyone around fell in and out of love, devoting a lot of time and energy for it, and her moment never came. Instead, the only thing she got was a growing pressure to find it. It was a default question, it seemed, a crucial piece of identity. What is your name, your age, who is your crush? The chats about it were always there, and she always nervously dodged them.  
The first failed declaration to her just made it all worse.  
-You never wanted to talk about who you like, and you’re always so close to me… – the tone was sad, but also accusing, and she couldn’t even deny it – I really thought… we had something special!  
She thought too, but not on that way of special. They were best friends, wasn’t this special enough?  
Her kind of love was never enough, it seemed.

She felt so miserable that night she promised herself she would feel it. Maybe it was just a matter of trying a bit harder. She could still feel that, couldn’t she? Everyone did.  
Some months later, Haseul started taking piano classes, and there was a girl there that flirted with her once or twice – making her feel a weight on her stomach that certainly had nothing to do with butterflies. But, the next time the girl tried something, she answered it. She was pretty, and also had a nice voice when she sang and a good taste in movies. Haseul could learn to love someone like that, right?  
Less than a week after, they were holding hands while walking around a park. They talked about everything and nothing at the same time, and shared an ice-cream. Haseul was smiling all the time, hoping it wouldn’t give away the cruel nervousness strangling each breath. That wasn’t the good nervous everyone talked about on their first dates, was it? She really hoped not, because it was terrible feeling it.  
Before going back home, her date kissed her. It felt nice, but just that – and the knot in her stomach was still tainting every thought.  
She went out a bunch of dates more before it was unbearable. The “I love you” never came, because it never felt real, not in that way.  
She was really broken, wasn’t she?

By the time Valentine’s Day came around the corner again, she already hated that day. It wasn’t like things were exactly subtle in the rest of the year, but on that week, it was impossible to minimally dodge it. Everywhere the same questions popped, sounding like accusations. Why wasn’t she on the mood for that day? How couldn’t she have a “special” one, or at least be wishing for it?  
She wanted to, she really did. But she was built with a piece missing, it seemed.  
At least, on that year, she had something to distract her mind. Her younger sister would bring some friends to a movie marathon, and Haseul was focused in trivial things like making sure everything was in place in that house.  
By the time Yeojin arrived, popcorn was ready, the smell of it getting compliments from the trio of youngsters. The older already met Hyejoo, but there was a new face on the group, a blonde girl who just moved to the neighborhood.  
-Oh, you still haven’t met Chaewon, right? – her sister rushed to introduce them – She’s living in the street behind ours, and Hye already knew her… This is my sis, Haseul.  
-Nice to meet you. – the older kindly said – Which movie are you watching?  
-Anything without romance. – Hyejoo was quick to say, with a smile  
The new girl rushed to agree, and Haseul had to hold back a “thank you” almost escaping her lips.  
-You’re also on this team? – Yeojin asked, still getting to know her new friend  
-Couldn’t not be. – she said without any doubt on her voice – I’m generally more neutral to romance, I really don’t care, but Valentine’s week is terrible… Seems like everything wanna makes me feel wrong for not feeling it.  
That felt too close to her own thoughts to not get her full attention. Haseul almost heard her voice saying those words, because it was constantly on her mind.  
-Ah, I still don’t have a crush too… - her sister tried to be empathetic  
-It’s different. – she replied, and, at the confused expression she got as answer, she completed – I still haven’t told you I’m aromantic, right?  
The surprised faces told her the answer already.  
-Which is funny, she literally has the aro flag on her lockscreen. – Hyejoo laughed, getting her friend’s phone and showing the picture filled with strokes of two shades of green, white, gray and black  
-It’s not like this is a known flag. – her friend pointed out – But yeah… I don’t feel this kind of love. I don’t even understand it, I see it everywhere but it just… doesn’t click for me. And whenever something like this day happens, it feels like everyone is screaming at me that I’m missing something I should have. And I’ll never have. You may feel out of place today, but you know you’ll have this someday. You’re not broken by their view, but I am. – she smiled before proceeding, showing how much she meant that – But I know better. Wishing for romance doesn’t make us whole. We are already, with our own feelings!  
-Haseul? – Hyejoo’s voice took her focus, and actually made everyone’s gaze move to her – Are you okay?  
It was just then she noticed the tear rolling down her cheek.  
-Y-yeah… – the older wiped it in an abrupt gesture – I just… I remembered I have something to do, sorry…  
And she rushed to her bedroom. Before she knew, her phone was in hands and she was searching for that word.  
Aromantic. It felt good typing that. It felt even better reading about that, and seeing all her thoughts and feelings echoing somewhere else than her lonely and puzzled mind. Other people felt that too.  
The flag was indeed just like Chaewon’s lockscreen. And, funnily enough, Haseul always said green was her color.  
For the first time in too many years, she felt whole.

**Author's Note:**

> not gonna lie, possibly one of my biggest prides in life is starting a profile with an aro pride fic  
> and hello you! thanks a lot for reading til here! this probably won't be my only work with loona, so comments are always appreciated to make me a better writer ^~^


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